Did back-to-back seminars, the first on counter-terrorism, and the second on nuclear futures. Very stimulating but exhausting. The first week, I drove back and forth each day so's I could be with my family. The second week I couldn't face the traffic and stayed at Fort Meade. Zanne drove up last night and we spent a wonderful night together watching MST 3000's "The Girl in Lover's Lane". We're still laughing hard at "Sex Poodle", Big Stupid, Realy Big Shoo, and my favorite line of the movie:
"I groined him in the knee."
Anyways, this week we dealt with a nuclear Iran, a collapsed Pakistan, and a terrorist nuclear attack on the US. I felt I made a good contribution to the effort, and I learned a lot.
Also solitaired Crisis America: 2020. I played the terrorist scenario, and it was a hoot, but I had to take it down before finishing. Gonna play that one again. Very fun.
If life is about learning and growing, then I've had a productive week. Fortunately, no one reads this blog, so I guess I can be somewhat (but not totally) forthcoming. I am, quite honestly, so done with fatherhood. I suck at it. I don't enjoy it at all. I haven't had a moment of joy with it for many years. I put enormous amounts of effort into it and get nothing in return. Heh. No...not true. Nothing in return would be a blessing.
I've been blessed with a wise counselor (how many of THOSE do you run across in this life?) and a wonderful wife who have helped me to open my eyes to things past and present. I see a sequence of events dating back to my childhood (and even further?) that led to my current situation. It started with a dad that I love, that I miss, but a dad that didn't really care about me. Not sure why. It has ended with broken relationships and a heap of loneliness that have prompted me to think through all this mess. I see a lot of culpability on my part. I must do what I can with what time remains to fix whatever is fixable. It won't be fun, and it won't solve anything, but what difference does that make?
Time for sleep.
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4 comments:
....so.......you "suck" as a father. The good news is: You Are Forgiven. If not by your children, by your Father in Heaven.
Now....push yourself and your failings out of the way, suck it up and make the very best effort to be the best father you can while He allows you time here to get it right on this Earth!
Well, that's a surprise! Do I know you?
Yes, you do. And, I pray for you a lot.
Hey Bob - Really enjoy your blog and your openness and honestness. Don't think that people don't read it. We do and it's encouraging to know that this "race" that we all (as believers) run is a struggle for everyone. That "daily" trust and walk is only done in our Lord's strength. When I truly learn this (not until Glory, I'm sure), I'll be a lot better off! Have a BLESSED Sunday!
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