I suppose I should be thankful. No, I'm certain of it. But sometimes it's hard. People all over the world have serious problems: fatal accidents, serious health problems, unemployment, war, crime, all kinds of stuff.
Me? I have kid problems. That's pretty much it. But they are so vexing. Nothing seems to hurt a parent as much as your kids' indifference (or worse) toward you, especially when you try so hard. And when their antipathy reaches what I can describe only as deeply bizarre, it leaves you not only abandoned but also desperately confused. What on earth could I have done to inspire such animosity?
I hate lying. I hate undeserved hatred. I hate fake Christianity. Our Lord is the key to life and happiness. He is majestic, powerful, loving, surprising, deep, and reliable. He offers so much and asks so little. But so many people respond to him by "religionizing" him. They put him in a box called "Sunday-go-to-meeting" so they can comfortably ignore him, violate his every command, and yet pretend to "be a Christian". Yuck.
I truly don't know how Suzanne weathers the storm. I look at her and see real Christianity in action, and love her all the more for her ability to wade through the crap and come out looking so gracious.
I think I'll play a wargame.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
Wacht am Rhein
First, it's been an exhausting holiday. We had EVERYBODY over for Christmas. All my siblings, including Don and Peg and Brady and Cory, who sneaked in to surprise Nana. Matt and Sarah and Rosie and Trey, along with all my kids. Big crowd. Went well in general. But when the plans changed and there was some miscommunication as to when everyone was leaving, I didn't handle it well. I'm ashamed that when an opportunity arrives to show the grace of Christ, I blow it. Live and learn.
We've slowly been recovering the house and ourselves. I built a gorgeous storage rack in the garage. Suzanne and I have finished our counseling sessions with Pastor John Morrison, and I must say that I'm really impressed at how God can use a wise man to open the Scriptures in such a powerful way. I have really learned things that have changed my life. (This from a guy who used to think all counseling was a total waste of time, which it usually is.)
Other stuff...We have been blessed to become such good friends with Dan and Sara White. It's funny that you can have (1) good friends, or (2) Christian friends, or (3) good Christian friends! When you get that last category, it's really awesome. As you would expect from people who are devoted to the Lord, they are genuine, kind, charming, and just very interesting people. It's really a privilege to have them as friends. Our whole home group is such a blessing to us. Every person there, including the young folks, is so unique, and each one is precious.
We were treated to a violin recital yesterday by Rachel White. I was blown away. I simply can't understand how she can have such focus, concentration, and endurance for 50 solid minutes of performing complex pieces like that. And she was able to pull such emotion from the instrument. I was enraptured.
Tonight Peter came over, and we tried out "Bulge 20"--a wargame about the Ardennes Offensive of 1944. There have been countless games on this battle, but this one is different, because it focuses on putting the players in command at the Army Group level. Basically, you are an Army Group Commander (like Bradley or Montgomery), and you have to manage your general staff--the G-1 (administration), G-2 (intelligence), G-3 (operations), and G-4 (logistics).
I played the Germans, and I chose a limited objective of taking Aachen. To my surprise and delight, Peter's allies reacted to the shock of my initial onslaught by abandoning Aachen in order to defend Liege! I took the city without firing a shot. But then I made my critical blunder: I spent three major operations trying to attack Clerveaux from St. Vith with the 5th Panzer Army. I had decided that it was important to advance on a broad front in order to confuse the Allies, so my plan was to out-flank the defenses there, rout the Americans, and then advance the weak 7th Army across the river. Unfortunately, the American corps there kept holding against my assaults. I eventually took the town, but I had wasted precious time. In retrospect, I should have ignored Clerveaux and concentrated my resources on taking Liege with 6th Panzer Army. In the end, I attacked three times but failed to take the city. By the end of the game, Peter had committed Patton's Third Army (big mistake!), which gave me a marginal victory. We are hoping to play this one again.
Meanwhile, my wife is awesome. There couldn't be a woman more perfect for me. I am so impressed by her devotion to God, her strong spirituality, and her love for me (and the new kitteh). She is composing a blog documenting her journey from Mormonism to atheism to Christ, and it is fascinating. Her honesty, incisive understanding of theology, and her ability to relate her innermost struggles have captured the attention of her readers. I really feel God is using her in ways that will reach people for Christ in a powerful way.
We've slowly been recovering the house and ourselves. I built a gorgeous storage rack in the garage. Suzanne and I have finished our counseling sessions with Pastor John Morrison, and I must say that I'm really impressed at how God can use a wise man to open the Scriptures in such a powerful way. I have really learned things that have changed my life. (This from a guy who used to think all counseling was a total waste of time, which it usually is.)
Other stuff...We have been blessed to become such good friends with Dan and Sara White. It's funny that you can have (1) good friends, or (2) Christian friends, or (3) good Christian friends! When you get that last category, it's really awesome. As you would expect from people who are devoted to the Lord, they are genuine, kind, charming, and just very interesting people. It's really a privilege to have them as friends. Our whole home group is such a blessing to us. Every person there, including the young folks, is so unique, and each one is precious.
We were treated to a violin recital yesterday by Rachel White. I was blown away. I simply can't understand how she can have such focus, concentration, and endurance for 50 solid minutes of performing complex pieces like that. And she was able to pull such emotion from the instrument. I was enraptured.
Tonight Peter came over, and we tried out "Bulge 20"--a wargame about the Ardennes Offensive of 1944. There have been countless games on this battle, but this one is different, because it focuses on putting the players in command at the Army Group level. Basically, you are an Army Group Commander (like Bradley or Montgomery), and you have to manage your general staff--the G-1 (administration), G-2 (intelligence), G-3 (operations), and G-4 (logistics).
I played the Germans, and I chose a limited objective of taking Aachen. To my surprise and delight, Peter's allies reacted to the shock of my initial onslaught by abandoning Aachen in order to defend Liege! I took the city without firing a shot. But then I made my critical blunder: I spent three major operations trying to attack Clerveaux from St. Vith with the 5th Panzer Army. I had decided that it was important to advance on a broad front in order to confuse the Allies, so my plan was to out-flank the defenses there, rout the Americans, and then advance the weak 7th Army across the river. Unfortunately, the American corps there kept holding against my assaults. I eventually took the town, but I had wasted precious time. In retrospect, I should have ignored Clerveaux and concentrated my resources on taking Liege with 6th Panzer Army. In the end, I attacked three times but failed to take the city. By the end of the game, Peter had committed Patton's Third Army (big mistake!), which gave me a marginal victory. We are hoping to play this one again.
Meanwhile, my wife is awesome. There couldn't be a woman more perfect for me. I am so impressed by her devotion to God, her strong spirituality, and her love for me (and the new kitteh). She is composing a blog documenting her journey from Mormonism to atheism to Christ, and it is fascinating. Her honesty, incisive understanding of theology, and her ability to relate her innermost struggles have captured the attention of her readers. I really feel God is using her in ways that will reach people for Christ in a powerful way.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Life with a wonderful wife
I feel that either I'm an absolute genius, or I've been incredibly blessed. Probably both are true.
When I met Suzanne, I was immediately attracted to her intellect, her sassiness, her sense of humor, her honesty, and, despite her irreverence, her spirituality. I could sense about her that here was a woman who had depth. Like a pond you discover deep in a jungle--you wonder how deep it really is.
Well, I married her without knowing exactly how deep. And each day has been an adventure. My wife challenges me and fascinates me with her insights, her introspection, and her devotion to God. It is such a pleasure to see her in action, because I see her as not only my lover, my spouse, my partner in crime, but also my fellow soldier--on the battlefield, deeply engaged in the fight and able to hold her own. Never in my life have I had someone that I can rely on like her. I have confidence in her relationship with Jesus Christ. Is that cool, or what?
I watch my Zanne struggle with life, with family, with issues that we face. I see the grace of Christ mixed with the beauty of her own unique Suzanne-ness. Wow. What a treat! I never expected such surprising joy at this stage of life.
Okay, gotta go now. I have to go study so's I can keep up with her.
When I met Suzanne, I was immediately attracted to her intellect, her sassiness, her sense of humor, her honesty, and, despite her irreverence, her spirituality. I could sense about her that here was a woman who had depth. Like a pond you discover deep in a jungle--you wonder how deep it really is.
Well, I married her without knowing exactly how deep. And each day has been an adventure. My wife challenges me and fascinates me with her insights, her introspection, and her devotion to God. It is such a pleasure to see her in action, because I see her as not only my lover, my spouse, my partner in crime, but also my fellow soldier--on the battlefield, deeply engaged in the fight and able to hold her own. Never in my life have I had someone that I can rely on like her. I have confidence in her relationship with Jesus Christ. Is that cool, or what?
I watch my Zanne struggle with life, with family, with issues that we face. I see the grace of Christ mixed with the beauty of her own unique Suzanne-ness. Wow. What a treat! I never expected such surprising joy at this stage of life.
Okay, gotta go now. I have to go study so's I can keep up with her.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Japanese victory!
Peter and I played a very fun scenario tonight in which Commonwealth troops are attacking a surrounded, desperate Jap defense in 1942. His allied troops were deployed in two groups with good leadership. My guys were hidden in a cave complex with underground tunnels. The battle started out slow, with my sniper trying (unsuccessfully) to take out his leaders. Then he made the mistake of maneuvering a platoon near one of my caves. I made a very bold move in response. I surged five squads and a leader through the cave and jumped him in hand to hand combat. In short order, I had killed his platoon. But I had to face a potentially devastating return fire from another platoon with a heavy machine gun. Because I had surged an entire platoon in the assault, they were jam-packed in a very small space with little cover. Could have been a disaster.
Instead, he broke one of my squads, and then my guys were able to stealthily begin to disperse. Eventually, he killed one squad, but the rest survived and continued to pounce on his men, dispatching two more of his squads.
To Peter's credit, he didn't just give up at that point. Instead, he maneuvered a couple of platoons against my sniper, eventually overwhelming him and killing him. Then, he managed to sweep across the battlefield, capturing three objectives, while I clung to two others. By the end of the fight, he had attrited me down to a handful of troops, but I had killed almost enough to force him to surrender.
When the battle ended, I was way ahead in points and won the game. It was one hell of a fight. I think my decision to jump his platoon in the early fight was the game-winner.
Instead, he broke one of my squads, and then my guys were able to stealthily begin to disperse. Eventually, he killed one squad, but the rest survived and continued to pounce on his men, dispatching two more of his squads.
To Peter's credit, he didn't just give up at that point. Instead, he maneuvered a couple of platoons against my sniper, eventually overwhelming him and killing him. Then, he managed to sweep across the battlefield, capturing three objectives, while I clung to two others. By the end of the fight, he had attrited me down to a handful of troops, but I had killed almost enough to force him to surrender.
When the battle ended, I was way ahead in points and won the game. It was one hell of a fight. I think my decision to jump his platoon in the early fight was the game-winner.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
What will December bring?
Hard to believe it's been almost a year since I made some serious changes in my life. Last December I decided I was tired of playing around with fitness and really got serious. Over the course of the year, I have dropped weight and kept it off, but I have vacillated when it comes to getting to my target weight.
So this week I restarted the process. One good thing is that I KNOW how to lose weight. I know what I have to do if I really want to lose it: hard workout in the morning, calorie nazi all day and night, hard workout at night. When I do that, I lose.
I've started Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shredder and did day 2 this morning. I find it a fairly good workout (Level 1 so far), but I actually think the Cardio Max Level 1 is harder. I'm going to stick with this and go to Level 2 after one week. Also ate about 1000 calories less than my target yesterday! Worked chest and treadmill last night. Result: lost 2 pounds in one day.
Doing the same today and plan to work back and do a 40-minute uphill climb tonight. My goal is to hit 185 by the end of the month, which I should be able to do fairly easily. Maybe in two weeks. Then see if I can maintain. I might even shoot for 175 over the next month, which, according to BMI (which I don't trust), is my ideal weight. We'll see.
Meanwhile...still struggling with kid issues. 'Nuff said.
About a week ago, Zanne and I managed to fall off of a 4-foot wall in the dark. I landed without injury, but Zanne banged up her left leg pretty badly. She's struggling to heal from it, but she's making progress slowly.
So this week I restarted the process. One good thing is that I KNOW how to lose weight. I know what I have to do if I really want to lose it: hard workout in the morning, calorie nazi all day and night, hard workout at night. When I do that, I lose.
I've started Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shredder and did day 2 this morning. I find it a fairly good workout (Level 1 so far), but I actually think the Cardio Max Level 1 is harder. I'm going to stick with this and go to Level 2 after one week. Also ate about 1000 calories less than my target yesterday! Worked chest and treadmill last night. Result: lost 2 pounds in one day.
Doing the same today and plan to work back and do a 40-minute uphill climb tonight. My goal is to hit 185 by the end of the month, which I should be able to do fairly easily. Maybe in two weeks. Then see if I can maintain. I might even shoot for 175 over the next month, which, according to BMI (which I don't trust), is my ideal weight. We'll see.
Meanwhile...still struggling with kid issues. 'Nuff said.
About a week ago, Zanne and I managed to fall off of a 4-foot wall in the dark. I landed without injury, but Zanne banged up her left leg pretty badly. She's struggling to heal from it, but she's making progress slowly.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Bible Readings and Such
Memorized I Peter 3:7--Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.
A great passage, because it commands me to be understanding--not demanding, not self-absorbed, not tough--but understanding. (The Greek word is GNOSIS.) For me, this means that God authorizes me to really go to school on how my wife thinks, feels, and acts. This is what a godly, competent husband should do.
Also memorized John 1:14--And the word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we beheld his glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth.
As Pastor John explained, this verse can be a valuable guide to my own development, since we are to emulate Christ. Life isn't just about truth (right/wrong, moral/immoral), but also about showing grace to everyone in my life--my wife, my kids, my pets, my coworkers, even...yikes...my former spouse. I feel that my failure to develop the grace part of my life torpedoed my relationship with my kids as they became teenagers. I need to work to repair whatever I can repair.
Also read I Corinthians 13, and I was struck with how easy it is to zero out all your accomplishments in God's eyes by not having love (AGAPE). Paul really demonstrates his love for the Corinthians by putting up with all their crap, and it's a great example to follow.
Other stuff: I've been working out hard this week. Yesterday Biggest Loser (Level 1) in the morning, and chest/abs/40 minute uphill climb in the afternoon. This morning back and 30 minutes of sprints on the treadmill. This afternoon I need to do shoulders and some form of aerobics, maybe jumping rope?
Peter came over last night, and we played CC:E, the battle of Hitdorf. Very fun scenario that we really enjoyed way back when. When we first played it months ago, Peter had the Americans and made the mistake of seizing the building on top of the hill in the early game, only to get trounced by my counterattacking Germans. This time I had the Americans, and I made two good tactical moves in the game. First, in the opening, he had a weapons team on the hill, and I sent a platoon after it and destroyed it. Then, instead of taking the building, I reversed course and attacked across the middle, eventually overruning his forces and killing enough of his leaders that he gave it up. Admittedly, I had all the good cards throughout the fight.
Then we played Napoleon for the second time. Peter loves the game but is not experienced enough with it yet, so I clobbered his Allies with an unrelenting French advance on Brussels.
Our sun room is beautiful! I love the furniture and the moss-green walls. The fountain looks great, but it's a little loud.
A great passage, because it commands me to be understanding--not demanding, not self-absorbed, not tough--but understanding. (The Greek word is GNOSIS.) For me, this means that God authorizes me to really go to school on how my wife thinks, feels, and acts. This is what a godly, competent husband should do.
Also memorized John 1:14--And the word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we beheld his glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth.
As Pastor John explained, this verse can be a valuable guide to my own development, since we are to emulate Christ. Life isn't just about truth (right/wrong, moral/immoral), but also about showing grace to everyone in my life--my wife, my kids, my pets, my coworkers, even...yikes...my former spouse. I feel that my failure to develop the grace part of my life torpedoed my relationship with my kids as they became teenagers. I need to work to repair whatever I can repair.
Also read I Corinthians 13, and I was struck with how easy it is to zero out all your accomplishments in God's eyes by not having love (AGAPE). Paul really demonstrates his love for the Corinthians by putting up with all their crap, and it's a great example to follow.
Other stuff: I've been working out hard this week. Yesterday Biggest Loser (Level 1) in the morning, and chest/abs/40 minute uphill climb in the afternoon. This morning back and 30 minutes of sprints on the treadmill. This afternoon I need to do shoulders and some form of aerobics, maybe jumping rope?
Peter came over last night, and we played CC:E, the battle of Hitdorf. Very fun scenario that we really enjoyed way back when. When we first played it months ago, Peter had the Americans and made the mistake of seizing the building on top of the hill in the early game, only to get trounced by my counterattacking Germans. This time I had the Americans, and I made two good tactical moves in the game. First, in the opening, he had a weapons team on the hill, and I sent a platoon after it and destroyed it. Then, instead of taking the building, I reversed course and attacked across the middle, eventually overruning his forces and killing enough of his leaders that he gave it up. Admittedly, I had all the good cards throughout the fight.
Then we played Napoleon for the second time. Peter loves the game but is not experienced enough with it yet, so I clobbered his Allies with an unrelenting French advance on Brussels.
Our sun room is beautiful! I love the furniture and the moss-green walls. The fountain looks great, but it's a little loud.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Hard Two Weeks
Did back-to-back seminars, the first on counter-terrorism, and the second on nuclear futures. Very stimulating but exhausting. The first week, I drove back and forth each day so's I could be with my family. The second week I couldn't face the traffic and stayed at Fort Meade. Zanne drove up last night and we spent a wonderful night together watching MST 3000's "The Girl in Lover's Lane". We're still laughing hard at "Sex Poodle", Big Stupid, Realy Big Shoo, and my favorite line of the movie:
"I groined him in the knee."
Anyways, this week we dealt with a nuclear Iran, a collapsed Pakistan, and a terrorist nuclear attack on the US. I felt I made a good contribution to the effort, and I learned a lot.
Also solitaired Crisis America: 2020. I played the terrorist scenario, and it was a hoot, but I had to take it down before finishing. Gonna play that one again. Very fun.
If life is about learning and growing, then I've had a productive week. Fortunately, no one reads this blog, so I guess I can be somewhat (but not totally) forthcoming. I am, quite honestly, so done with fatherhood. I suck at it. I don't enjoy it at all. I haven't had a moment of joy with it for many years. I put enormous amounts of effort into it and get nothing in return. Heh. No...not true. Nothing in return would be a blessing.
I've been blessed with a wise counselor (how many of THOSE do you run across in this life?) and a wonderful wife who have helped me to open my eyes to things past and present. I see a sequence of events dating back to my childhood (and even further?) that led to my current situation. It started with a dad that I love, that I miss, but a dad that didn't really care about me. Not sure why. It has ended with broken relationships and a heap of loneliness that have prompted me to think through all this mess. I see a lot of culpability on my part. I must do what I can with what time remains to fix whatever is fixable. It won't be fun, and it won't solve anything, but what difference does that make?
Time for sleep.
"I groined him in the knee."
Anyways, this week we dealt with a nuclear Iran, a collapsed Pakistan, and a terrorist nuclear attack on the US. I felt I made a good contribution to the effort, and I learned a lot.
Also solitaired Crisis America: 2020. I played the terrorist scenario, and it was a hoot, but I had to take it down before finishing. Gonna play that one again. Very fun.
If life is about learning and growing, then I've had a productive week. Fortunately, no one reads this blog, so I guess I can be somewhat (but not totally) forthcoming. I am, quite honestly, so done with fatherhood. I suck at it. I don't enjoy it at all. I haven't had a moment of joy with it for many years. I put enormous amounts of effort into it and get nothing in return. Heh. No...not true. Nothing in return would be a blessing.
I've been blessed with a wise counselor (how many of THOSE do you run across in this life?) and a wonderful wife who have helped me to open my eyes to things past and present. I see a sequence of events dating back to my childhood (and even further?) that led to my current situation. It started with a dad that I love, that I miss, but a dad that didn't really care about me. Not sure why. It has ended with broken relationships and a heap of loneliness that have prompted me to think through all this mess. I see a lot of culpability on my part. I must do what I can with what time remains to fix whatever is fixable. It won't be fun, and it won't solve anything, but what difference does that make?
Time for sleep.
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